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THEY​/​THEM

by Alexandra Valentine

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1.
There is no sad beginning to this journey Sick and tired of feeling sorry for myself I’ve got nothing left to hide and though I Worry deep inside I can just be me and no one else And sometimes I feel crushed with expectations All the questions I don’t have the answers to Still I’d take that any day over having it all just ripped away If I don’t have the answers then that’s OK And when its time to ask the question 30 minutes spent just staring at my face I found myself asking the question Am I OK with decisions made in my place This time I’m set to really come out swinging My fist raised in the air, rejection of That my face and my voice mean that I don’t have a choice Respect my wishes am I really asking too much And you shouldn’t judge a book by it’s cover You should not assume until you’re sure And if you are confused by the answer Then that is what Google’s fucking for And when its time to ask the question Don’t over-think it just go with what’s in your gut You should know that if you the question Everything that you are is enough
2.
Well it feels good to be me And that’s my reality After so many years of resistance Sick of feeling down So I turned myself around This is who I am and I’m not sorry No I won’t run and hide And I won’t apologize If you think that you can change my mind Well go ahead and try I’ve spent all my life Burned out and ostracized Battle scarred before I even hit 16 So if you’d like a dare And if you are prepared I may be damaged but I can deal out my fair share Being honest is a choice Honesty has Its own voice I was afraid of being honest but not anymore And I’ve been kicked around Had my dreams shot to the ground But I’m never gonna let that hold me down Had enough of standing by feeling like I’m gonna cry But I have done my crying Now it’s time to try I’ve spent all my life Feeling like I wasn’t right Something must be wrong with me inside So if you wanna try And tell me that I’m a lie You best be ready to fucking hit me right between the eyes Yeah you best be ready to fucking hit me right between the eyes
3.
If you wanna wear what you wanna wear You have to rip and you have to tear At the fabric of society not at your clothes Cause if we really wanna blur the lines In between all of the sides We gotta strip off all the labels We Gotta normalize Girls in straight cut clothes And Boys in pantyhose Gotta make your own decisions Male aint what I chose Here’s what I’ve come to find A perception is in our mind It’s not built into our clothing We can leave it behind So just wear what you wanna wear Do it boldly and without a care It’s not a crime to be yourself You’re just you and no one else What we’re born with is a lie Cause we don’t get to decide So I wear what I wanna wear And I don’t really fucking care What you think of me Girls in straight cut clothes And Boys in pantyhose We can change all of the labels Cause it’s all just fucking clothes Girls in straight cut clothes And Boys in pantyhose We can change all of the labels Cause it’s all just fucking clothes Girls in straight cut clothes And Boys in pantyhose Boys in pantyhose it’s all just fucking all just fucking clothes
4.
Let’s take everything I’ve learned And put it in reverse An entire deconstruction of myself If you want to live this way Here’s the thing that no one says You’ll have to just rip your whole self away I’m done living through compromise I want to see through my own eyes Without my vision fogging up with doubt What’s it like to live without all of the pain A longing for that feelings come again So Let’s take everything I’ve learned And put it in reverse An entire deconstruction of myself I wanted it so bad That I took everything I had And I threw it all away just to survive And I kept it all to myself Questions piled up on a shelf The inside of my brain like a battleground Why must I be born this way And lie to myself that it’s ok Did I do something wrong in a past life How does it feel to live without all of the weight Is there any time or is it too late So let’s take everything I’ve learned And put it in reverse Is there still time to fix my sense of self I’ve wanted this so bad That it took everything I had To hold myself together in the end To conquer your fear you must first face it And I’ve been too afraid to admit that I was not ok Afraid that I’d been wasting my time Chasing lofty dreams instead of toeing the line So afraid I was that they would see the cracks too Everyone depending on me to see this through Unmovable unbreakable and always available the biggest fear of mine was that I lied so many times To so many different people who helped keep my peace of mind Unsure I’d ever be able forgive myself Or forget how many people that I told the same lies to Or would it ever be possible that I could ever be forgiven And I took everything I learned And then I just put myself first There’s still time for me to start again Time for me to make a choice Time for me to raise my voice I’ll keep screaming right until the bitter end
5.
What is it that limits my expression Figured it out and now I know it’s name It’s this little thing that most are calling Gender Isn’t it time that it was thrown away All of this time spent clawing for the surface Most of my time felt like I was gonna drown Suffocating under labels and expectations Now it’s high time that we burned it all down There are so many people it’s not helping Women and Men and everyone in between If we could stop assuming on appearance There would be so many people who could Be who they wanna be All of my time spent glancing through a window None of my fashion matches the inside if it wasn’t for an invisible fucking rulebook could have spent more time getting on with life
6.
Here’s how it feels to spend most of your life To stand looking inward but from the outside Feeling so useless and lost and afraid Invisible scars were the price that I paid If I’m always just gonna feel bad Then I’ll take all of the sadness I had And I’ll rip and I’ll pull it away I’ll let myself be sad some other day Cause I’m tired of nights spent in bed impossible thoughts running around my head Thinking of things I can’t be They’re just not for me Here’s how it feels to spend most of your time Rewriting your history line after line Do I have the strength to take hold of myself And throw it away and become someone else If I’m always just gonna feel bad I’ll take all the anger and sadness I had And I’ll burn them until they are fuel That I can use to make somebody new Cause I’m tired of nights spent in bed Obsessing with everything wrong in my head All the things I want to be They could be for me
7.
Let’s start again just hit the reset, a do-over An overwhelmingly disjointed sense of self How am I supposed to focus on the future How am I supposed to set goals when I can think of nothing else But sometimes all you need is just to take a little step and that was all it really took for me No I couldn’t take the strain felt like my spine was gonna snap I can only take so much shit before I start just hitting back I don’t wanna go in circles it was just so plain to see If I didn’t make the changes then the blame would be on me Then the blame would be on me Feeling like someone had set my head on fire Snuck right up behind me and just drenched me in kerosene How do I cope with the fallout when it’s over How am I supposed to feel about a new perception of me But if there’s something on your mind and then you bring all outside then you can leave a lot of pain behind No I couldn’t take the strain felt like my spine was gonna snap I can only take so much shit before I start just hitting back I don’t wanna find an answer, no there’s no plan in my mind But there’s still so much more left of me that I’ve yet to find
8.
Well what do I say and what do I think Cause I have found that there are new lows for my self-esteem to sink An entire new world that I have opened my eyes to An entire new reality that I’m living my life through A thousand staring eyes that are fixated on my face If I could vanish now then I would go without a trace And God can you will it so they can see right through me Or to go back to before I made this decision to be The target of the stares and the scorn I’m sorry I’m not perfect it’s just how I was born It’s not a decision I made consciously I didn’t trade realness for humanity A worry that I’ve never known What if someone follows me home Well what do I do when I need to find A new strength, a new voice, a new peace of mind I need a new confidence I need a new defense A defense I haven’t needed since I jumped the high-school fence And when I feel the fear, I see that kid Who was beat up and ridiculed who just ran away and hid But I will not be wronged by the same hands twice I won’t be scared to silence I will stand up and fight With every ounce of strength that resides in my bones Until I’m battered and bruised and there are tears in my clothes Fight for what I believe in I won’t be made to hide Fight for what I am made of, I have to try Something that I’ve always known I hate to say I told you so
9.
Oh look at you you are so queer very peculiar I want to open you and see what is inside You’re on the cusp, the cutting edge you fascinate me I will be rooting for you here on the sidelines I want to touch I want to taste I want to feel you Is your body any different than mine Where do you live do you have a car when can I meet you But being seen with you is where I draw the line Keep discretion in your mind But if you won’t meet me halfway then you are no good for me I’m glad I fascinate you but it sounds like all I’ll be Is a checkbox off a list you made, a trophy that you’ll hide If you want to meet me you should at least fucking try Must be so hard being the way that the world made you My next question is I want to know what’s there Is it big does it hang low or is there nothing I want to know the colour of your underwear I’m not gay but if I was I’d think about it The two of us prostrated on my bed I’m not serious no I am only joking But whispered fantasies would be all that I said Here’s validation for your pretty little head No you won’t meet me halfway no you’re just not good for me I’m not some just some fucking fetish and that’s all I’d ever be A checkbox off a list you made, a secret from your wife Now I’m going to ask you nicely to please get out of my life
10.
Well I think it’s time That I confide In you what I’ve been hiding inside Spent the whole night wishing I was somebody else Now’s the time to be clear about myself So many times felt like I might cry Holding the whole weight of myself in Pulled myself back up cause I’d had just about enough looking forward instead of where I’d been Now’s the time That I surprise Myself with my own confidence Never thought I’d have the guts To raise my wants and needs back up to the point where I can hear myself Well who could have guessed What was coming next All my little secrets spilling out Self-Liberating the part of me that I’d had the most doubts about
11.
Have you ever felt a stress In the simple act of getting dressed The noise inside my head is loud But I have to do this now Because I’m killing my soul I’m losing control Before too long there will be nothing at all I’ve been living a lie I can feel it inside I’ll take this feeling and make it mine Cause they don’t know how it feels Feeling like my skin might peel I just want this to be real No they don’t know how it feels Because it’s killing my soul I’m gonna take back control All the judging is gonna take its toll But I don’t fucking care I just wanna be there I wanna clear out all the fog in my head I need to reset need to clear space in my mind I wanna get inside and see what I can find And if I don’t like what I see then I will throw it away I’ll make a new me and leave my old self to decay I’m gonna make a new soul Take the controls I’ll make it clear that this is not just for show Because there’s someone inside Something I’ve had to hide But I won’t be hiding this time
12.
It’s up for me to decide how I am defined There’s only one thing I’m defined by and it’s me So please avert your staring eyes And your attempts to categorize The only rules that I am living by are mine Got no time for all your labels and restraints Tired of living at a dictated pace Well are you to deny What you can see with your own eyes You say I made it up for me But you’re just too blind to see That If it came to be That I stood in front of you Yeah in reality You’re just as real as me And now it’s up to you To see how I do too Now picture this for me Half a life of misery Internal struggle and regrets That were all tied up in my sex A constant daydream everyday Will I ever look that way age-old restrictions we insistently kept around Were the only thing that ever held me down Well are you to deny You couldn’t see it with your eyes That if it all happened to you You would see it like I do You would say that there’s no sense No substantial evidence That you can’t have any say In how you want to self-portray If there’s something inside then you can be it If there’s nothing to find then you can steal it If there’s too much on your mind one day you’ll see it You can be what you wanna be if you can feel it I hope one day that I’ll have nothing left to say I hope that day’s not far away
13.
It’s funny how you came into my life Even in this day and age online dating never felt quite right But here’s the thing that’s true I feel so right next to you Love has no boundaries or borders Let’s take it step by step and keep moving forward They can build an obstacle but it’ll never be enough They’ll have to try much harder to defeat us Let them stare, they don’t know what it’s like To have someone who holds you close and joins you in the fight And here’s the thing that’s true I’ll keep fighting next to you Love has no boundaries or borders Never looking behind us just moving forward Try as they might they’ll never defeat us As long as we have each other then that will always be enough
14.
Well it's impossible to express The constricting feeling in my chest Like someone set a fucking snake Loose in my guts Feeling all the planets fears From the last 2000 years Manifesting itself inside of my brain I do all I can to keep it at bay But it never goes away Fear inside my bones The feeling I hold close Like someone went and shot me in the head But I just didn't wind up dead Just this constant fucking worry all the time I wish I could leave it all behind But I can't because The fear is buried deep inside my bones Now imagine the feeling that you get When you get butterflies inside your chest Now imagine that 1001 times worse sitting in your gut There's never any warning any sign It can come on any fucking time Even the most perfect of your days can come crashing down I do all I can to keep it at bay But it never goes away Fear inside my bones The feeling I hold close Like someone went and shot me in the head But I just didn't wind up dead Just this constant fucking worry all the time Worry so intense you might go blind Either that or you cry That's the fear that's buried in my bones
15.
I hold it close The first love of my life I’d ever known And it shows Because I wear it on my sleeve I ‘m giving back to you Because it’s all I can really do When I was younger You pulled me up when I fell under I’ll never understand your huge effect on me I’ll never understand the workings of your circuitry You’re like a tower so unfathomably high I’ll never understand but I’ll try

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released February 27, 2017

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Alexandra Valentine UK

Hey hi I'm Alexandra Valentine. I'm a transgender Punk with a DIY attitude and a low-fi sound. I'm here to write some songs and explode my gender in the process

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